// Love, Insane//
This is a letter from a Man drivin insane and inprisoned by his love for another, read with caution…
Let’s paint a picture
Let me paint a picture
Follow me
Open your mind
Stop thinking
Why are you still thinking?
Let your mind wonder
Fill your head with these words
Listen to this story
Follow me
I
Swear
You
Drive
Me
Crazy
Out
Of my mind
I love you
I really do
It’s the wanting
Never getting you
That keeps me wanting you
(Takes sip of beer covered in brown bag)
I mean I think I wrote this about a thousand times
Maybe this is more for me than you
Therapeutic in a sense
Cause I write these notes
Everyday
Speaking about you
Do you read them?
Do you care too?
It’s funny to say but I think we’ve been married for the last 5 years in my head
You don’t care though
I don’t know the purpose of this note
To be honest I’m just here drinking
(Takes another sip)
Why won’t you love me?
Why didn’t we work?
Why didn’t you try?
Why?
I must sound like a bitch right now
But I don’t care why didn’t you care enough to make us work?
Why didn’t you care?
Why didn’t you try?
You let rumors of promiscuity determine your decision
Why didn’t you try?
Why didn’t you ever just let yourself fall the way I did?
Why was I the one that fell?
I told you how I felt
I kept it 100 with you from the start
But you were more interested in these other guys
These thuggish guys
No education
Ignorant minded guys
So your telling me that if I were to dumb myself a bunch
And hug the block tight at night that I can have the space on the right side of your bed that you left open long ago
I was tryna give you that Darious Jones love
Writing mystifying notes that captivated your beauty, your beguiling presence, the way that every time I would see you my mind will stop, no words would form in fact the only thing moving in my body would be my heart beating through my chest like Jim Carry in The Mask…
I love you
Did you understand that?
You were meant everything to me
I would dream and wake up to the sight of my love for you
In my mind we got lost in scintillating conversation time and time again
But the saddest part is most of our love has been in my mind the entire time
Did I imagine this American Love?
I mean in reality have we even spoken to depth of my love for you?
I know I told you I loved you in fact I remember the first time I did 2 years ago we were texting back in forth I just hopped out the shower
You were heading in the shower I asked how your day was going you said “it was ok I’m about to hop in the shower” I laughed and made a wise crack about giving you a massage you said “that would be nice only if you could I would love that”, I said I would love to, you “Lol your funny”, and then right there I fell, I fell “ I love you”, your response?.. “I love you to”…
SO this isn’t all in my mind”
You did love me?
But if you did why did I fall harder?
Why did you go with him?
Why did you go with him?
You would still be here
You would still be here
With me
And if not then at least I can continue to mentally fall deeper in you with ever bit of contact
But you’re gone
Because you got in the car with him
You’re gone because you wouldn’t give your heart to me
How could you do this to me?
I loved you!
I LOVED YOU
(Tears roll down face)
I would of done anything for you and anything to protect you
You were my Aaliyah
My Angel
I saw us growing old together
Having kids together
Growing old together
Watching episodes of Fresh Prince of Bel Air in our power ranger onezies
Yes I built a future for us
But that future was cut short
When you got in that car
Your last words to me “I’m going to text you later I’m with the hubby”
How dare you use those words with me are you crazy?
After all the love I had for you
You were my Gina
I loved you girl
Now I’m here forced to wear this black tux looking like Richard Gear
Everyone staring at me like I’m about to pop
If they only knew how I’m feeling inside
If they only knew the pain I’m hiding
I can’t stand living without you
I can’t stand it
I need you back
Even if I have to love you from a far
I want you back
(With tears rolling down his face he walks away from the crowed of black tuxes and black silk dresses he walks through the graveyard bumping into tombstones, tears falling into the ground, gripping the brown paper bag that conceals a bottle of 40, he makes it to the outskirts of the graveyard and drinks the last bit of 40, “I love you baby” he says, he throws the bottle away and places his hand inside his blazer pulling out a solid black 40 Smith & Wesson, his hand shake as he pulls out a bullet from the inside of his coat pocket, he places the bullet inside of the gun and spins the cylinder, he cocks it back and puts it to his head, “I love you” he says, “I will always love you”, “maybe theirs a second chance in heaven”, and without hesitation he pulls the trigger…)
Written by: Keshown Cassell
